self image - the dreaded blog post

i’ll admit, i’ve struggled with self image for most of my life. but honestly, i don’t know anyone who hasn’t. i know we’ve had something about ourselves that we’re a little self-concious about; whether it’s our height, our hair, our eyes, or our weight. there’s always that one thing that someone will point out once in public school and since then, you’ll always remember that one comment when you get ready in the morning and when you change into your pyjamas and go to bed at night. you can’t run from it, and no matter how many compliments you may get about something, if someone else has made a comment about it, you’ll take the comment over the compliment.

since when is that okay?

i may be speaking to the choirs, but i’m also speaking to myself. i think i’ve had issues with every part of my body, believing that i wasn’t “up to standards” with everyone else. but that’s a lie. all the negativity you’re believing about yourself, you’re wrong. it’s a lie. it’s all one big lie.

as soon as i completed my semester and came home for the summer, i was having one of those moments where i sat and cried on my bed, in my room. i was overtired. being overtired leads to your mind goes in a thousand and three directions, and this time wasn’t any different. i was thinking about my weight in-particular, and i was just fed up. so, in that moment, i asked myself, “what in the world am i doing?” i’m sitting on my bed, complaining about something that i’m not even trying to change.

needless to say i started exercising the next day. and the day after that. and the day after that one too. three weeks later, and i’m still going. i feel better about myself, because i know that i’m doing something to fix my mental state of how i perceive myself, and ultimately feeling better about who i am.

during one of my runs last week, i had what i thought was the most thought provoking thing,
“you can sit and mope around, or you can find that one thing you love about yourself and embrace it.”
instead of focusing on all the things you may not like about yourself, you need to focus on the one thing you love. you need to find that one thing and embrace it. once you do, your view of yourself will change. 

i promise.


and i know this doesn’t change the negative words that may have been spoken over you once, twice, or hundreds of times, but it does silence them. you can only let those words hang on for so long. once you understand your worth, nothing can stop that. nothing can stop you.

time to get a little personal-
(from the archives)

i love family, holidays, helping people, and laughing. my heart melts for acoustic music, bedtime stories, and the ocean. i hate raisins, asparagus, bugs, the dark, heights, and elevators. i can’t watch scary movies. i still have a tendency to overreact over the little things. i’m more organized than a calendar and my sarcasm is embedded into my bone. i was born in the south, lived in the north, mexico, and on a tour bus  so i’m basically just a confused canadian. i practically came out of the womb figure skating, so the arena will always be my second home. i have an unhealthy obsession with taking walks, eating cookies, and drinking smoothies. i laugh at the most inappropriate times, but i also laugh at the appropriate times, so i guess they even each other out.

i’m set on a few things-

like marrying a musician, adopting a little Ethiopian, going back on tour, having a marriage more beautiful than my wedding, and doing everything on my bucket list.

i refuse to do some things..

like settling for less, letting the little comments people make bug me, changing myself for someone else, letting my selfishness get in the way of helping someone else, and living together before getting married.

i’ve been told i’m short, but really, i’ll never be shorter than snooki in heels.
i’ve broken a bunch of bones. i’ve had some concussions too, but i wouldn’t remember 

i’m the worst at keeping songs on repeat, beat-boxing, using chop sticks, and having a small personality.

i think of pinky promises as being more legit than a signed contract. i can be an emotional wreck somedays. i like getting dressed up when it isn’t necessary, and anything that sparkles is perfect for me. i would go to every concert in existence if i could and dance until my feet came off.

i believe in God, love, people, and me.

-s.

it’s time to help a girl out-
(and no it isn’t me!)

a few hours i received an inbox from a girl named aliza, (ali). she’s planning on going on a hero holiday trip with live different (good choice!) to mexico (another good choice!) next spring break. however, she needs some help! (humanitarian trips are pricey!) she asked for my help. more or less, our help. check out her donation page and see if you could help! a dollar or two really does help!

http://www.canadahelps.org/GivingPages/GivingPage.aspx?gpID=26269

you guys are fantastic and so very loved!
-s.

to those days you feel unstoppable-
(or to those who don’t want to get out of bed)

waking up in the morning can be a hard thing to do regardless of what you did last night, or how little or late you stayed up the night before. waking up could be hard because of what you may anticipate to face the next day. maybe it’s hard to get out of bed because you don’t want to deal with things that are unavoidable, or you believe that it’s just easier to sleep all of your troubles away.
but can i tell you something? it’s not.

regardless of what’s happening, you need to wake up knowing that you are loved. that alone can get you up to face the day with confidence and be a reminder that you really can do anything you want.

who’s stopping you?

situations can be a hard thing to deal with; whatever it is your going through. regardless, you must not put pressure on yourself to be the “fixer” or pretending that things will be okay if avoidable. you can’t do this to yourself.. don’t do this to yourself.

everything always works itself out. always.
however cliche, it’s a truth worth sticking by.

i don’t know what’s going on in your life right now. i don’t know what obstacles you’re facing today, or the ones you anticipate for tomorrow. however, i do know that if you know how loved you really are, this alone can make a difference between getting out of bed in the mornings feeling refreshed, or not wanting to get out and face the day at all.

you are so very LOVED.
-s.

the significance of a year-
if you’re a student, you’re probably going through the same realizations and the “oh my goodness” moments as you begin to process that another school year is coming to a close and in a few weeks, you’ll be back at home trying to find a summer job so you can (unless you’re done!) return to school in the fall.

where did the time go?

i know when you actually stop and think of all those late nights and early mornings you did, you can sort of understand that the timing is decent and you’re ready to go home, but if you think of it overall, time passes you by quicker than you realize.

this time last year, i was excited about accepting a position in my school that would allow me to do what i’m gifted at : being social and planning events. i was nervous about exams, but excited that i successfully completed my first year. i was upset because i knew i’d have to say goodbye to friends turned family because many weren’t going to be back in september. i didn’t want to go home because i knew that i didn’t have a job lined up and that i thought i was meant for more.

now, sitting in my bed at some ungodly hour thinking about how much of a hamster wheel i feel as though i’m on, with exams coming, jobs, and home, i’m reminded of one thing- a lot changes in a year.

the now is different from the past, and it could be a lot different in the future. although i’m feeling some of the same emotions from this time last year, i know that i’m in a different place, ready to experience a lot more new things, and that where-ever i end up, i know that i won’t be made for more but i would be made for this. this moment. this moment that happens right now, the moment that happens in a few days, and the moments that happen in the future. 

don’t compare your previous emotions and experiences to the ones present; the ones you anticipate because that’s all you know.

why would you do something like that?

-s.

being so close, yet so far away.

i have a tendency of being the most optimistic person i know. i believe that i can do anything and everything. i believe that the world has endless possibilities for me and that i can achieve the impossible.
just like you.
just like anyone.
you have the possibility to do anything you want to. 

sometimes i get overly excited about little things. i get caught up in the details; picturing myself doing things in that particular situation.

i’ve spent the last year and a half envisioning myself interning with my favourite organization, and after the lengthiest process, that opportunity got shut down. today.

it’s difficult when you invest so much time into something that doesn’t end up happening. it’s tough to accept the things that you didn’t envision. however, you can’t give up. your dream may have come crashing down in front of your face, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give up. that dream may get smaller, but it’ll always be there. dreams are there for a reason. for you to work. for you to realize that there are things out there, outside of your comfort zone. things that will keep you going when you don’t want to.

the florida dream may be over for right now, but i know that it wasn’t because i’m not capable for it. i’m more than capable; timing. timing is everything. 

-s.

because everyone deserves to have a summer bucket list-

1. go to the USA
2. go to ikea with my boyfriend
3. spend at least once a week at some sort of waterfront
4. impact someone’s life
5. buy a car
6. pass my driving test
7. visit my grama
8. go to a concert
9. send letters again
10. go see the great gatsby
11. have a picnic
12. get dressed up for no reason (just doing ordinary things)
13. go mini-golfing
14. have a water fight
15. go to an ontario target
16. see iron man 3 (may, 2013)
17. get a job
18. have an ice cream date
19. pay for someone else’s meal
20. use sidewalk chalk
21. learn how to do something i’ve never known how to do
22. finger paint
23. watch the sunset//sunrise by the water
24. s’mores
25. speak in-front of a crowd
26. fireworks
27. go to olive garden

what’s on yours?

a life update-
where in the world am i? what am i doing with my life?
two really great questions that can be answered by a simple “i’m at home. home, home. like, northern ontario, canada home.” and a “i wish i knew”.

about three weeks ago i finished my second year at Master’s College and Seminary in Peterborough, ON taking my Bachelor of Theology in Youth Ministry. essentially what happens is when you’re done your four years you can work at a church and be a youth pastor. simple, right? well, it would be if i knew I wanted to be a youth pastor. but i don’t. i don’t know.

being at home is always tricky for me. don’t get me wrong- i love my family, i love my bed, i love my home church, i love being able to cook, sleep in, and watch dr. phil everyday. however, every time i come back (which is twice a year!) i’m reminded of my past. i’m reminded of my struggles of being the only one (or what it seemed like) that knew how to say no to a lot of things that teens are pressured and faced with. i’m reminded because of that very thing, i lost all of my “best friends”  because i didn’t want to what they do.

being home, i’m reminded that i’m too determined. i look around and see people doing the same things every single day; that they don’t understand that a whole world is out there for them. i’m reminded that i’m determined to try my best to live an extraordinary life.

if you knew a few things about me recently, you knew that i put my heart + soul into getting a shot to intern with an organization in florida called to write love on her arms. after many, many months, and a few interview processes, i didn’t end up getting it. i came to terms with it when i found out because i was happy enough to finally move on with my life; that i finally had an answer. now, the last few days, it’s been hard. because i’ve been sitting here doing nothing for the last three weeks, i have a tendency to over think everything. i get really hard on myself, and ask a zillion “what if?” questions. “if i only said something else.. maybe i’d be packing my bags for florida right now..”

so how am i spending my summer?
great question. this week i’m hoping to find out about whether or not i got hired at two different places, in two different cities, both being four hours apart from each other, both being in the opposite direction of my home.

i’ll be honest when i tell you that i’m nervous for what this week holds. i’m nervous if i don’t get hired at either places because that means i’m going to have to pull something out of nowhere. i’m also nervous that if i get hired at both because that means i’m going to have to choose between doing what i already know i love and being so close to my boyfriend (and many others who i know and love), or venturing off where i’ll have new adventures, make good money, and do something that i’m in school for.

did i mention that i’m doing this whole long distance thing with my boyfriend? i really do wish there was a word to describe long distance relationships, because the words “it sucks” doesn’t do it any justice.

i’m also trying to lose weight. it’s the most daunting task; one of those tasks where you feel like even though you try, you feel as though nothing’s working.
.. it’s a process.

i’m also ready to travel again, (when am i not?). right now, i know i’ll be back in san diego in october for about a week. (happy to be back- one of my many second homes!). but as for the humanitarian side, i’m planning on going back to mexico for a little bit next may. however, haiti, ethiopia, and the UK are all up there on my “must go soon” list. we’ll see where life and God take me over the next little bit!

-s.

i get alarmed.. a lot.

like, the kind of alarming that heavies my heart more than it probably should.

i’ve come to accept the fact that being heartbroken for the things around me is a good thing; no matter how sad/upset/angry i get at the things of this world. 

the tear count doesn’t matter when it comes to someone’s life lost, broken, or destroyed.

if you follow the news at all, you know that in the last few weeks a lot of tragedies happen; the boston marathon bombing, the texas explosion, and more recently, the bangledesh collapse.

after the marathon bombing, more than a few of my friends updated their status’ with “well it’s great you guys care about boston, but the more important issues are the ones we don’t hear about; the ones about how hundreds of kids die every single day all over the world due to lack of necessities- clean water, food, health care..”

i get that. i understand your compassion. but what i don’t understand? how we can choose when to be compassionate and when to leave it on the back burner.

personally, i mourned over the boston marathon bombing. i mourned for an internet friend whose sister in law would’ve been the first little person to compete in the marathon and was half a mile away from finishing when the bombs started going off. needless to say, she couldn’t finish. still number one on her bucket list to do, she’ll try again next year. her mother however, was one of the ones anxiously waiting at the finish line to see her  daughter complete it. the bomb went off on the opposite side of her. she had to be rushed to hospital, but fortunately, she came out with a shoulder injury or two. although i don’t know these women in a face-to-face manor, my heart aches. just this one story puts this close to home.

while the tragedy of boston still lingered, an explosion happened in texas. again, more innocent lives were lost. innocent people who woke up with the intentions of coming home to their family that night. what about them?

now, eyes and hearts towards the east. the bangledesh story seems to be worsened as the days move forward. five days later and they’re still rescuing workers. the death toll rates have surpassed 350. you think you’re not affected because you don’t know any of these people personally? look down at what you’re wearing. if you’re like me you like shopping, and you especially like deals (what girl doesn’t?). however, look at down at your clothes again. look at the labels. look at where they were made. now, put a face to that country.

this isn’t to guilt trip you. this isn’t to tell you that these workers were making $30 a month in order for you to get that one big deal you run home and tell someone about. this isn’t to remind you that now, there could be one less person in that family. one less income. on top of mourning the loss of loved ones, they face the harsh reality of “what are we going to do now?” that could result into sending a child to work in a factory just like that; where working conditions don’t matter, or the minimum wage isn’t anywhere near north american standards. 

my heart is heavy. my heart will always be heavy when i turn numbers into faces, and turn those faces into families.

if you stop and think about the tragedies that happen every single day, whether on the news or not, it should be a reminder that you’re still alive. and being alive comes with great responsibility. you could ignore things that happen around you and say that “things or going to happen whether we like it or not”, or you can accept the last statement and be the one who tries to help change that. regardless whether you’re going to do something or not, at least be open to making your heart heavy.

when people start caring for everything and not just one specific thing, that’s when change becomes reality.

-s.

You know, I don’t know where you’re at. I don’t know your background, or what kind of house you live in (if you even live in one). Maybe you live in an apartment downtown or in a big home out in the country. Maybe you live with your parents, or maybe, just maybe, you’re trying to find somewhere to even call home. I don’t know what kind of car you drive or if you take the bus. Maybe you’re trying to get your fitness on and bike everywhere, or maybe you’re close enough to walk. I don’t know if you take milk and sugar in your coffee or you’re more of a “i’ll just have water” kind of person. I don’t know what your family is like, or how they cope in tough situations.

I don’t know if you thrive off of people or you’re more of a stay in your room kind of person. I don’t know if you get enough encouragement throughout the day to be re-assured how loved you really are.
Like God, I don’t care about what designer you’re wearing or even if you’ve owned that shirt for five years and originally bought it at the thrift store.

What I do care about though, is who you are, who you’re becoming, and where your heart is.

in fear of failure-

ever since i was a little girl, i’ve grown up thinking that i have to have everything together in order for acceptance from others, and most importantly myself. i hate failing people. i’m constantly feeling that if i slip up, i mess everything up, and in-turn, i fail everyone around me.

the constant pressure of presenting myself as having everything together is something that i’ve become accustom to. in my own little world, i’ve deemed myself an “untouchable”; in the sense that i’m not phased by the unfortunate things that happen to me, and that my life is always amazing.

i’ll admit, it’s tough.

it’s tough when something does happen and all i know is to bottle it up.
.. and bottle it up.
.. and bottle it up some more.
until one day, something happens and i have a melt down, cry a lot, and then fall asleep and wake up the next morning like nothing happened the day before. 
it’s the most vicious and never-ending cycle.

i’m far from perfect. being stuck in the mindset that i have to be perfect for everyone else to accept me is the hardest thing to overcome.. and i’m not there yet. i don’t know if i’ll ever be.

today i’ve failed myself, much like every other day.
but lately i feel like i’m failing myself more and more, and the constant pressure i feel that i’m failing everyone else in the room hurts more than feeling like i failed myself.

i don’t get it.
i really haven’t got a clue.

have you ever wanted something so much that when you get it, you don’t know what to do with it?
story of my life.

ever since i was little, i’ve made lists. shopping lists, bucket lists, wish lists, homework lists, reading lists, to-do lists. i’ve made ‘em all. 
all the time.

now, if you’re a girl, you have probably made a list about who you see yourself with in the future. when you make that list when you’re like, 10, you have a tendency to put the most unrealistic things on there; whether it be “he needs to be an astronaut” or “he needs to want to have 17 kids”.. 

i’ll admit, i made a list for who i saw myself with in the future. at the prime age of like, 12, i thought i had who i wanted down to a t. it didn’t help that i was mad obsessed with the show “life of ryan” at the time, (ryan sheckler, hellllo) so someone who could skateboard was at the top of the list. i had a few other important things like, “has to love God” and “has to be a musician”.
that was it. those three things were my list and have been since I was 12. i knew in my heart of hearts that i would find someone like that, but as I got older if a guy had 2/3 qualities, I felt as though I could deal. 
I couldn’t, until I actually met him.

realization is a funny thing. those moments where you realize you recognize someone, or when you realize that you left your laundry in the washing machine for two hours, or even when you realize that summer is coming quicker than you think, you have that realization of “wow, this is real. this just happened.”
realization moments are inevitable, but what do you do when you realize that everything you’ve ever wanted was right in-front of you?

when i had that initial moment of realization when i met my boyfriend, i’ll be honest and tell you that i freaked out inside a little bit. those moments where you “just know” are the scariest of all. you’ve dreamt all of your life for that one person, and all of a sudden it’s here. he’s here. he’s right in-front of you. 

it’ll never cease to amaze me how no matter what happens, God’ll always fit the puzzle pieces together no matter how scattered they are on the table. He knows you. He knows everything about you. It’s more than exciting to know that He takes everything on your “lists” and turns them into so much more.

my list had three things on it, but the words on the paper turned into a person. a person who is so much more than any words I could put on a page. In fact, he’s better than my list. My list didn’t bother to mention any of the many other good qualities he has.
Lists are just lists until your words become a person; a real, genuine, caring person. 

God always has a way of working things out. always.

-s.