what happens when following God doesn’t make sense? what happens when the things in your life are going well, you love God, you have everything put together (or so it may seem) and everything is great.. until a moment happens and all you can comprehend in your thoughts is why?
i was listening to a message once and the speaker was talking about life and how we all need to experience our colouring all over the walls moment. we all need to have those moments where you’re trying to figure things out. you’re failing, and failing hard.
you need that one epic fail in order to keep going; to remind yourself that you can hit rock bottom but get back up and keep going.
nobody’s got it down pat.
i picture my life as a canvas. a blank. white. canvas. the things i succeed at can be the yellow paint. the things i fail at can be blue. the “confused, but still walking forward” moments can be green, and the moments that i don’t understand can be orange. the chaos? a good combo of everything in-front of me.
everyday you pick up the paintbrush. you dip it in each colour throughout the day, and by the end of it you realize that yeah, you might have failed more than you’ve succeeded, but there are still some signs of success. when you step back you’ve come to the conclusion that what you’re looking at is a complete chaotic mess. but there’s something beautiful about it-
it’s called being human.
there’s a lot of days where i experience the colour all over the walls moment. the moments filled with the “i have no idea but i’m going to keep trying”, or the “i actually have no idea what i’m doing with my life and i’m going to try to figure it out, but for now i’m just going to scribble all over the place because i know it’s okay to be human and fail and mess up more times than i can count” moments.
it’s about doing it and not being ashamed of it.
once you understand that you’re just as human as the person next to you, you begin to realize that we’re all kinda just figuring out how to do this life thing and that it’s better to fail + fail hard and be okay with it rather than fake it until you’ve hit success and than realize that you’ve been successful in the wrong places.
your life is your canvas. it’s okay for it to be an awful mess that is far from a van gogh, but you yourself are a van gogh. in your ministry. in your school. in your job. in your family. in your activities. you are good, gifted, and wonderful. you have a place in this world. you weren’t meant to be perfect. you were meant to fail and fail hard but learn from that. and somehow, one day you’re going to look back and realize that all the chaos turned into a beautiful masterpiece.
good > bad (and finding the things that make you smile)-
to simplify, my week has been less than ideal. i can’t even begin to tell you how much i’m not a huge fan of this whole laying in bed thing when you could be out socializing, but such is life. i’ve had a rough week + to be honest i’m still praying, hoping + believing that i’ll wake up in the morning and find that my virus is completely gone, (IMAGINE?). but seriously though, i’ve been in constant pain for more than a week. but i’ll listen to the doctor when he tells me that there’s “nothing wrong” and i should “take cough drops and wait it out”.
regardless of that little part of my life, there’s been some really incredible things that have happened this week.
1) i got to speak at our 1st and 3rd year chapel on monday. it was dominican themed to prep our 1st years that are headed there in january. what did i tell them? about getting this weird hand disease, not to work on the worksites and instead play with the kids, and don’t order the what looks like chocolate chip ice cream- it’s rum + raisin.
2) aside from probably never being able to speak at a DR meeting again, i got to do MCS news with my roommate and our friend who puts it all together put “home” by phillip phillips as the backing track to it all. i wasn’t able to see it with the rest of the school on wednesday (and neither did my roommate due to sickness!) but we got to see it later that day. thankful for those little things that people do that might not mean much to them but a lot to me! (aaaaah- that song though!)
3) this past summer i sent out 87 encouraging letters to anyone who wanted one. i received an encouraging letter in the mail to thank me for one of the letters i sent out months ago. that meant the world. it meant that maybe i actually did something worthwhile.
4) my friend sarah stayed with me at the hospital despite that it was past her bedtime. did i mention she bought me popsicles? seriously though, words cannot describe.
5) i also woke up this morning to a letter from my dorm neighbours that had well wishes for my roommate and i as we’re on the road to getting better. that made a morning i was dreading a little brighter.
6) i couldn’t go to our youths little halloween night but a friend brought back a treat bag for me to feel as though i could be there + partake in some festivities knowing that i can barely leave the building. best.
7) knowing that people are praying for me. it’s a little crazy because i’m just this girl who has a cold (well, a bit more than a cold) during the beginning of cold + flu season. but knowing that as helpless as i feel, there are people standing in the gap for me and believing for healing as much as i am. again- no words.
so, as much as i’m still laying in bed a week and a half later barely being able to swallow + breathe + laugh, i’m reminded that even on what may be your worst days, there’s still good.
there will always be good.
a life update-
the last update was something about the end of summer + returning back to school for my third year + how i want to do church planting.
.. and over the past few months (and in this past week) i’ve started dreaming + visioning + clarifying.
once done school i want to take an event planning program so i can continue to do what i love (and have a bachelor’s degree + a little side). i want to work for a bit + then eventually own a venue.
i want to church plant in a venue where i’d have church on sunday night’s + then small groups/youth/whatever else throughout the week but also have the venue open for shows, wedding receptions, and other events.
i want it d o w n t o w n.
i also want to create my own clothing line while i’m at it + travel + discover + continue to do some social justice things because i know how priviledged i am just by being able to write my thoughts out on some sort of technology, sitting on a couch in a warm building overlooking the beautiful outdoors.
yeah, i’m blessed.
on a side-note: i’m home in less than a month + i’m excited to sit at home with my family and bake my face off!
excited about the what’s to come + still being excited about the now-
the day i learned to start living-
this semester has been everything i was dreading + everything i was anticipating. i came in not knowing what the future days ahead were going to look like. i struggled with not having a title (or anything to do). i didn’t know my place (and still don’t). i was excited to get the heck out of the country again despite how i came to grips with canada in the summer. between the combination of all these little things, i struggled with being lost.
i wanted someone to come and find me and tell me everything was going to be fine. i longed for comfort in the uncomfortable, peace in the chaos, and an answer to the thousands of questions i had rolling around in my head at any given hour of any kind of day.
i found myself putting blame on people, things, and situations for everything that was happening just for the sake of having a voice.
that was until a few weeks ago.
every day i pray that i can embrace the unknown. it took getting away from my surroundings, visiting old friends, going to shows, and travelling on my own to remind me that this is how life is supposed to be lived- filled with friendships + travels + not knowing + questions + believing in people when they don’t even believe in themselves.
life is meant to be lived in community.
and although that is a lesson that i’ve newly learned, i still believe whole heartedly that we aren’t meant to do life alone. we’re meant to have the tough conversations + the silly ones. we’re meant to love people on those days it feels impossible to love yourself, and accept the same love from others. we’re meant to embrace humanity flaws but in the meanwhile know that everything has the ability to change.
in the last few weeks i’ve learned that life isn’t meant to be made up of meetings for the sake of feeling important or that it’s okay to ask for a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen.
i’ve learned that i’ve just begun learning how to live; to accept my flaws and embrace my passions.
i’ve learned that life is meant to be one full day of surprises after the next.
today’s a great day.
: my goodnight melodies that are good enough for you to listen to too.
the secret to letting people in (and letting them stay there)-
before i begin this blog i need to warn all y’all that i have the same amount of trust issues (or even more!) as you do. i’m not perfect.
you know those situations you “get placed into” (aka when you put yourself in situations) and realize that sooner than you know it you’ve just shared your entire life story without mentioning how you got here and all of a sudden it’s like a brick hits you in the face and all you can say is oops?
it’s human nature to open up to people we get along with and the ones we deem as “trustable”, but what happens when the ones we thought we could trust end up failing and failing a lot?
we’ve all been in those situations. we’ve all had those emotion filled moments asking ourselves why and either wishing that you could go back in time and not let people in or praying to the good Lord above that things will change and everything will work out.
either way, little by little + person by person, you start shutting yourself off to people. you keep your heart tucked inside your sealed shut pocket and leaving it there.
but really, is that any way to live?
what i’m learning is that regardless how perfect you think you might be, you aren’t. you fail as much as the next person, and maybe just maybe, you’ve let people down to. it happens.
it’s a hard thing to understand. it hurts, but wounds heal.
so, what’s the secret?
keep loving + keep yourself open.
be open to people. be open to the fact that nobody is “out to get you”. take people as they are; not anything more, and certainly not anything less. listen to their stories. share your own. it’s okay to bond with people. laugh, cry, hug + invest. but most importantly, practice forgiving.
i fail + and people have failed me. once you accept that, your view changes. you can appreciate, and be open to possibilities again. stop generalizing everyone just because one might’ve wronged you. don’t do that to yourself. don’t do that to the people around you.
letting in means stepping out.
it’s a cycle. a cycle that encourages you to keep going despite your ideals and pre-made assumptions.
what do cycles mean? you’ve got to keep going.